Personal Refinement
Posted by Charles von Marinus on May 21st, 2009 filed in Manners
In pursuit of gentlemanly behavior, particularly in writing about it, it’s easy to get fixated on the fashion and vanity aspect of it. Such is a shame, and it rapidly degrades into vanity: “Ye gods, did you see how that man was wearing blue jeans with a dress shirt? Surely, no gent be he!” — such is not couth behavior at all. Instead, being a gent is more about refining yourself into a better man.
When frustrated, I’m prone to venting my spleen at my loved ones around me, demanding that they help me find my misplaced doodads (I misplace things quite frequently, particularly now that I have children), hold something while I mess with something else, or whatnot, and generally being boorish.
Lately, however, I’ve been striving to take things in a more civilized manner and not flinging blame around like an angry chimpanzee. I take a few deep breaths when I feel myself getting worked up, and just pause for a minute to take the best course of action. This has worked quite well in regards to personal relations, and I’m calmer about things more as well, once I get past the initial blood pressure rise of redirecting the feelings of my inner monkey.
This act of refining myself isn’t easy. In the moment, I’d much rather scream and shout. But the benefits of a happier family is much worth it.
~ Charles von Marinus
May 22nd, 2009 at 8:45 am
Indeed, being a gentleman is primarily about behavior – the dress and bearing should be merely a reflection of one’s disposition. Too often, the attraction of gentlemanly style causes some to mistake the image for the thing itself.
Kudos to you on controlling your lesser instincts; it is a skill many more men could learn. Do not make the mistake, though, of refusing to be angry when circumstances warrant. A proper, controlled, righteous anger is at times a useful and necessary part of a gentleman’s disposition.
May 22nd, 2009 at 9:24 am
Quite right about circumstances warranting anger at times. Unfortunately, the zeitgeist has been one of castrating such feelings, with negative repercussions.
Historiann has a good article on it in Lessons for Girls, number one: Anger, and though it’s directed towards the opposite sex, I think the principle applies to gents as well — that anger at the right place and right time is appropriate, and the best course of action, that it’s okay to make others angry, and that anger can work for you.
April 12th, 2010 at 3:04 am
Не могу сейчас поучаствовать в обсуждении – очень занят. Но вернусь – обязательно напишу что я думаю….
Корреспондент ……